In Pursuit of Gratitude

Written By Madeline Schiebel
 
 

Lessons learned from 30 days of gratitude

& how you can create your own practice

For quite a while I have been aware of the benefits of gratitude. There is a good body of research supporting the practice and I often suggest clients engage in routine gratitude, but I had never intentionally committed to my own practice. In the spirit of practice what I preach, and in combination with being in a serious funk, I decided to give it a try.

The structure of my practice was based on a segment I heard on NPR many years ago. There are countless ways you can practice gratitude, so if your initial reaction is “There’s no way I can do what she did” - don’t worry, there are other options.

Here’s how I did it:

Every day for 30 days write down 3 things I am grateful for.

No repeats over the course of the month. 


That was it! Pretty straightforward. But I want to be honest, I found it hard to do this every day and I missed a few days along the way. However, I found that the intention did make a difference. Even if I did not sit down to write three things, I was still thinking about it throughout the day which led to an increased mindfulness of my daily thinking patterns.

After reflecting on the month, I identified three overarching lessons learned that I found to be the most valuable. The first was a little hard to swallow because it challenged the perception I have of myself. . .

Lesson 1:

My narrative is more negative than I realized 

I would not initially identify myself as a negative thinker, however when I began to focus on a gratitude mindset I realized how unconsciously negative much of my daily thinking truly is. 

“I have such a busy day.” 

“It’s cold today. I can’t wait for warmer weather.”

“I got a workout in, but I wish it could have been longer.” 

I realized that I am often focused on what I don’t have or what I wish was different. Reframing these thoughts to focus on what I do have and what I am grateful for sounds like this:

“I have a full day of clients.”

“It’s a good day to make a cup of tea and stay cozy.”

“I’m glad I was able to get to the gym for a workout.”


If you think this sounds like you, you aren’t alone. Society normalizes negative thinking. Back when I worked inpatient mental health, I can remember the consistently negative script that most of my coworkers followed:

On a Monday: “My weekend was good, but too short.”

On a Wednesday: “We’re halfway through. Only two more days until Friday.”

On a Friday: “We made it. Thank goodness it’s Friday.”

At first glance you may not identify that as negative thinking, but I encourage you to look a little harder and consider what the focus is in each of these statements.

This style of communication is especially common in environments where there is camaraderie in suffering (think schools, hospitals, jails, inpatient centers, etc.). It may even be viewed as radical to have a gratitude mindset and you might find yourself feeling isolated if you choose not to engage in the spiral of complaining.

This is an example of one of the many ways we get stuck in unhelpful patterns of thinking. Creating an intentional gratitude practice can help to shift those patterns.

Lesson 2:

Focus on gratitude created a ripple effect in the rest of my thinking

When I brought awareness to the patterns in my thinking, it gave me the ability to change those patterns. Because I was actively practicing gratitude, I would notice the “don’t have” mindset in a way that I was not able to before. I could say to myself “Hey, you’re doing that thing again where you focus on the negative” and then intentionally reframe my thinking.

It reminds me of the adage “Once you know, you know.” I talk about this with clients a lot- once you have seen the problem, you cannot unsee the problem. You can take steps to avoid addressing the problem, but you know that it exists. It felt similar with gratitude - once I recognized my own patterns of negative thinking, I started to notice them everywhere. This is the power of self-awareness in change and growth. When something is brought to the forefront of our minds, we can begin to address it.

Lesson 3:

Doing something is better than doing nothing

I missed a few days.

I struggled to find gratitude and sometimes settled on things like “I like my socks today”

I forgot about it until I was lying down for bed and quickly scribbled three things down. 

I aimed for 30 days, but only made it 27. 


I learned and gained a lot from the weeks of this practice and if I was too caught up in trying to do it perfectly then I probably wouldn’t have started in the first place. The goal is to try and if you’re too worried about “failing” then you won’t start.


This goes for almost anything that’s good for your mental health- exercise, eating well, attending therapy, journaling, meditation, walking your dog, drinking more water, connecting with friends, reading more books, watching less TV. . . the list goes on.

It’s better to do something than to do nothing. 

How to start your own gratitude practice

Listed here are several ideas, but I want to stress lesson #3. . .

It doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to do it every day. It’s okay if you are struggling to find gratitude. Just start and see what you learn.

Read through these ideas and see what sounds interesting. Select a practice that will fit for you. If the daily practice I did sounds like too much, then try something that is less frequent. The important part is that you do it, so don’t set yourself up for failure by doing what you think you should do rather than what will work best for you.

Here are a few ways you can practice gratitude:

❋ Start a gratitude journal

  • Set a timer for 5 minutes and write about your life and what you feel grateful for. You could do this every day, a few times a week, or even once per week. Pick a frequency that works for you. If you prefer structure, here are a few prompts you could try:

    • What am I looking forward to today/this week?

    • What do I appreciate about the space I am in?

    • What is a positive quality I like about myself? About my partner? About a friend?

❋ Say “Thank you” to at least one new person every week

  • Unless you are incredibly isolated, we all interact with various people throughout the day or week. It’s easy to recognize when someone is rude, but do we routinely bring awareness to kindness? Set an intention to acknowledge the positive interactions you have with others. It may be someone holding a door for you, an employee bagging your groceries, or a customer moving over to make space for you at the counter. All of these small gestures that often go unnoticed, begin to notice them.

❋ Set a daily “gratitude timer” on your watch or phone

  • When the timer goes off, stop what you are doing. Put down your phone, your fork, your pen, or whatever else is holding your attention. Take a pause to acknowledge the present moment. You can think about moments of your day that you feel grateful for or you can just bring awareness to your senses and acknowledge the gratitude of being alive.

❋ Gratitude Rock (or any item you would like)

  • Place the rock in your pocket, on your desk, or in your car. If you are using a charm you can wear it around your neck or wrist. Every time you see it or touch it, take a moment to think of something you are grateful for. Each night when you undress and take the rock out of your pocket, bring your mind to gratitude. Similarly do so each morning when you dress and put the rock back in your pocket.

❋ Gratitude Meditation

A final thought on toxic positivity

I want to address the difference between gratitude and toxic positivity. Creating space to acknowledge gratitude in your life does not mean you are ignoring or invalidating the parts of human existence that are challenging or sad. I am not in the business of denial or suppression.

You can bring awareness to gratitude while also feeling down, depressed, lonely, etc. In doing so, you are not saying “I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be focusing on what I am grateful for.” Instead, it’s saying “Life is hard right now and I am struggling. Gratitude can also exist in times of suffering.”

 
Madeline Schiebel
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A Non-Judgmental Approach to Emotions